If you can only see 14 rocks

The famous Ryoanji temple in Kyoto has 15 stones in its rock garden that are arranged such that you can only see 14 of them from any given angle. That is to remind us that one mind can never understand everything.

One mind cannot understand everything, including the fact that it cannot understand everything. A long time ago i asked myself how am i supposed to understand this world with imperfect senses. There is no such thing as absolute understanding, something i've mistakenly thought of as enlightenment. All i can hope for is to do my best with the limited information i have. 

The "why" is not important. The "how" might be.

Now

Look even a moment into the future and you'll miss the present. Sorry Monica...

How often is it?

A single thought of you is all i need, the rest is overwhelming. The anticipation of touching you, of holding your hand, of kissing you, of making love to you. This is the best time of my life. How often is it that you feel sparks and happiness and joy at the exact same time with your lover. And then you kiss and hold each other and are peaceful. How often is it that you love somebody and they love you back at the same time? I simply love you.

Reflections

once upon a time, in a distant and exotic land, a boy was put into this world. at first he was asleep and not much seemed to matter. he had some friends but liked it better when he played alone. one Sunday morning he woke up, the church bell rang at noon. the world around him turned to black and white and suddenly devoid of any color. the quantifier of reality was incremented. childish toys were soon forgotten. he built a wall and put a banner up "all, walk on by, i have a magnifying glass". but habits are not easy to walk out, what childhood is, that adults influences. they are insistent, in the shadows linger, attacking unsuspectingly when most they seem forgotten by their victims. then a collision of so many different worlds. the boy, engulfed in panic and confusion, a cry for help has managed to inscribe, and with the ink of desperation he's written on his soul then placed it in a glowing purple bottle. the ocean carries it away. the sea waves can erode even the mightiest of rocks and with his passing dreams, the hope for just one answer slowly fades away. so many butterflies around him. the few mermaids that purple caught their eye ironically were only curious about the bottle. more winters then a spring is manifested. a single star has brightened up the darkness of  his night. how pretty and divine and warm. then a few more, they form a constellation. what zodiac is this? a new realization, under the starlight sky and hope, as many springs would bring you. there's just one torture in his life remaining. there is no moon, it's praised in all the songs and has so much devotion. few waning crescents, that is all he's seen. that can't be it, they say it should be full, majestic and serene, he's wondering, he's curious, and on some nights again lamenting. while chasing fireflies one eve, some strange phenomenon has happened. he felt a gentle warmth, seemingly from all directions. he blinked then looks around, there's nothing to behold. it's gone as gone as if it never was existing. was it a fairy that just stealthily passed by? he spreads the charts, investigates, there's nothing on the map. must have been tricks, illusions, a dismissible appearance? but hope's like oil on the water of his mind, it's almost magical how it affects the desperate. does he deserve to even know such things? still sad, still painful, still alone. what vicious witch has mercilessly cursed him? what sins must be atoned for happiness to deal? when grace decides to finally come out, it's dancing on the water. the smell of roses present on the gentle wind. the moon is brighter than the sun and in the center of the night suspended. he's blinded for some time, he's not a cat. his eyes need to adjust for with such things he's mostly unfamiliar. one, cut in half by mighty sword of sorrow, two becomes, then separated until destiny takes pity. our boy, he's not a boy, a man, tormented, trying to comply. but ocean water is no water for the thirsty. so thirsty, for so long, for what is life but dreams of his own dreaming. the only thing he needs he does not have. all other things he doesn't are abundant. the moon. for just a touch of the reflection on the water, he'd walk the deserts all alone. the sword of sorrow, why exist? are all the folk bound by your long and sharpened edge. must be just him, no other one deserves it. but if it's possible for suffering to be fulfilled, no better time or card or premonition. a gentle breeze, the fortune's wheel is turning. look up and understand the face of universe, then understand you cannot understand and count your blessings. and then surrender.

your smile is water for my fatal thirst
your heart illuminates the darkest of the night, my moon
your soul, the remedy to all my sins and panacea for  my curse

India First Impressions

Here's a random collection of experiences, tips and facts about India. Even though i was familiar with Indian spirituality and religion by means of me occasionally practising yoga, i was surprised, shocked and intrigued by what I found there. I landed in Pune - the Indian "capital of IT" after which i made my way to nearby Mumbai - the largest city in India (their version of the Hollywood aka Bollywood).

India is a true to its meaning third world country. Unlike China for example, where besides poverty they also have ultra modern new cities, here everything is very very old, even in major cities like New Delhi and Mumbai. I think New Delhi is named ironically. The most surprising thing is is the incoherence of this country. Everything and everywhere is approaching almost chaotic levels. You have slums on one block and five star hotels with Rolls-Royce's parked in front of them on the next. There's extreme poverty, garbage all around and no sign of any landscaping, maintenance or building standards, and the super rich don't seem to mind it, even when it's few feet from their mansions or luxurious high-rise apartments.

For a country that has English a its second official language, surprisingly few people speak it and outside of the business/tech crowd and younger generation, everybody only speaks Hindi.

People are much more serious about their religion, traditions and beliefs than i expected and theirs society is very conservative as a result of that. Ganesha is the most popular Hindu god, with the largest number of temples of all shapes and sizes. Cricket is the second and the national past time. On weekends parks are filled with people playing it. When entering a temple you have to do so barefoot, which is an exercise in will power because of my next point.

The country has much different (read worse) standards for hygiene. There's garbage everywhere, some in piles, some just on the street, and people don't seem to have a problem with it. After finishing a picnic, for example, all the trash is collected and thrown under the nearest tree or in the closest ditch. There are no trash-cans anywhere, you just drop it where it falls. In the newspaper i read that a lot of cities still dump raw sewage directly into rivers. The only way to prevent people from peeing on the walls around the city is to draw or post a picture of one of the Hindu gods. Toilets on the trains are just a hole in the floor and there's a sign asking people not to use them when the train is in station. Needless to say, there is no green or recycling culture present.

Walking around is usually done on or by the side of the roads. Traffic is chaotic and going in all directions with a mix of pedestrians, cars, motorcycles, scooters, three wheeled taxis and two wheeled carriages dragged by either cattle or men. Red lights are usually optional as long as there's no one coming. Motorized vehicles use their horns to let other participants in the traffic know where they are so there's an almost constant stream of honking. Crossing is done anywhere you have the courage for it, even on highways. Goats and cows on the streets are a common sight.

Some people carry things on their heads, from smaller bags to huge travel-cases.

Most people will also go the entire day without washing their hands, which is interesting because they eat everything with their hands (except pizza, which they eat with a knife and fork), even though most dishes are some sort of curry sauces and somewhat liquid. Usually there's a roti or nan or other wrap-like bread that you break a piece of and use it to grab the dishes with, but I've seen people eating the curries with just their fingers as well. Napkins are not used. Some restaurants will bring a small bowl of water for you to wash your fingers in after the meal but that's not very common. All foods are medium-spicy (even the deserts) by western standards and are delicious if you like Indian food (which i do). Masala is used in most dishes to give them the spiciness which is a combinations of about 50 different individual spices. After a meal everybody chews on some sort of minty and refreshing mix of seeds - it's mouth and stomach freshener and also helps with digestion, they tell me. Probably the ancestor of chewing gum.

While inside India, almost all Indians are vegetarian. That is strongly enforced through family education and strong social and peer pressure. When alone or outside of India however the majority will admit to eating at least some some sort of meet (chicken is a gateway meat). There then, all foods are divided into two categories - veg and non-veg and are labelled as such. Green circle next to the name of the dish in a restaurant menu or on the packaging of a food in the supermarket means vegetarian, a red circle means otherwise. All airlines have a choice of both for their in-flight meals. One might wonder why there's even such a thing as non-vegetarian food over there, but apparently it's for the Muslim population, which is not insignificant i guess. I've also seen many "veg only" restaurants. Alcohol is just as taboo as eating meat so it's not sold at most stores, not even beer (Kingfisher is the biggest local beer brand). Going to bars therefore is not something people do. Also Indians there have a specific distinct smell to them, probably because of all the spices they eat. I'm sure they thought the same about me and a certain wet dog smell :) Nodding is done by moving your head like your tracing a horizontal figure 8. It's very confusing at times.

Almost all Indian restaurants in the US are of northern Indian specialty. The tandoori oven is from Punjab and Pakistan. The rest on India has much different cuisines, especially in the south. Actually each state has their own kind of foods (not to mention language and religious variations).

There's two types of taxis, with air conditioning and without. Drivers of both have no shame will try to rip you off in horrible horrible ways.

Sexuality is naturally inhibited in their conservative society and the relationship between men and women is quite tense. About half the people get arranged married and have their first sexual partner on their wedding night. Because of that many marriages, i'm told, suffer crappy sex which leads people eventually and inevitably, to adultery. That is especially true for the richer folk. Divorce is a social stigma and most couples avoid it. The interaction between unmarried guys and girls seems especially weird where one cannot simply approach another and strike up a conversation. Asking someone for drinks or dinner or even expressing interest automatically implies desire for sexual intercourse and girls perceive it as an insult. The guys tend drool over any females they see, which makes them uncomfortable to be around and further aggravates the approachability situation. Women dress quite conservative, usually in unflattering non-revealing clothing, jeans and a t-shirt being considered liberal and skirts - almost perverse. A lot of people, especially women wear traditional clothing - pants and a long dress. Only the older women wear the two piece costume we see depicted in movies withe the belly exposed. There are many reports of women being raped or otherwise sexually abused, even in big cities. In just a week i heard of at least 5 different reports on TV and in the paper. On the other hand women can accuse anyone of inappropriate conduct and have them arrested just because. Clubs and discos are usually for couples only. The ones that are not have only guys in them, since no girl will dare go to a place like that.

Schools look like prisons, with bars in the windows and barb wire on the walls. Apparently education is really expensive and parents sell everything to send their children to school. God forbid somebody sneaks in and learns something for free.

Russia is considered a great friend of India and Indians have automatic respect and gratefulness for Russians.

In Mumbai there's only two types of sights, British built Gothic style buildings and monuments and various religious temples (both Hindu and Muslim). The latter are far better maintained than the former, which i think is how the Indians express their frustration at their former British rulers. Also here, you can find the Dharavi slums with a population more than 1 million people. It used to be the largest slum in Mumbai at one time, but as of 2011, there are four slums in Mumbai larger than Dharavi. The crazy part is that even here you have to pay rent and the economy of it all is estimated at more that 500 million USD a year.

My first introduction to Hinduism came many years ago, when i was about 12, from a small brochure that my mom brought home called "Easy journeys to other planets". It gave a brief introduction to meditation and yoga. I read it and was quite fascinated by the content but after a while forgot anything about it. In Mumbai i went to the ISKCON temple. It's a Krishna temple by the guys that chant "Hare Krishna". While waiting for the ceremony to begin a woman approaches and hands me a bunch of pamphlets, amongst which there's the same little book that i read all those years ago - "Easy journey to other planets". Even the cover art was the same. How intriguingly full circle it has come.

My first track day experience

I got my car about 9 months ago. After much searching for a turbo with an automatic transmission, i finally settled on a 2011 VW GTI with 18k miles on it. I liked it immediately and for good reason - great handling, powerful yet not intimidating engine, nice interior, dual-clutch gearbox. The car was almost new too. The only downside i could find was the just-a-bit too stiff suspension. Nice for higher speeds and on good roads, but not as comfortable for city driving where you usually find a plethora of pot-holes and uneven surfaces.

One of the reasons i chose the GTI was because of how easily tunable it was. Three months later, i did just that. I went to an official VW/APR dealer and got the ECU upgrade (which adds about 50 horses to the stock 200) with program switching (this is important later in the story) for $750. While there i was also seduced by the APR rep to install a bigger air intake system - the Carbonio for $300 which adds another 5 to 10 hp as well as makes sexier hissing and blowing sounds when things start going. All in all, i spent about $1200 and drove home the same day, a car with 260 horses and an increased weight to power ratio from ~15 to ~12. Not too shabby.

Six months have passed. Living in NorCal now, i had access to (at least) 3 race tracks within 150 mile radius. Being somewhat of a car enthusiast by now and having watched years of Top Gear and a couple of seasons of Formula 1, i decided to experience a track day for myself. I joined NASA (National Auto Sport Association) and signed up for HPDE (High Performance Driving Event) at Thunderhill Raceway. HPDE has four groups, the first being for people that never drove on a race track before and has an instructor riding with you at all times. There is supposed to be little overtaking and only on straights. Group 2 is the same except you drive without an instructor. I naturally chose group 1. Cost is $250 per day.

By now my car had 29k miles on it. Breaks started getting soft and tires needed changing. I did not wanna change my breaks before the track, that was for sure, but with the tires i was not certain. So i emailed my assigned instructor asking if i should change them before or after the track day, explaining that i did not want to "waste" a new set right away. I was assured that new tires would not matter much for the beginners group i was in but since one of my tires had a couple of  medium sized bubbles on the sidewall (thanks San Francisco potholes) it would not be safe. I decided to get a new pair of ultra high performance summer tires to replace the stock and noisy all-season Pirelli Pzero Neros. Pseudo-randomly i went for the NITTO NT555 and boy they were quiet (or maybe the Pirellis were just that loud). They're rated 3.5/5 for quietness but at highway speeds i don't hear them at all. All i hear now is the wind and carrying a conversation at 70mph now does not require me raising my voice. Can't imagine what a 5/5 would be like.

Track day came. Sunday morning 9am - mandatory driver's meeting. There's 20 some people in HPDE group 1 and 2. Both groups go on the track at the same time. We have four 20 minute sessions throughout the day the first being at 11am, the last at 5:40pm. Turns out only me and one another guy were first timers that day, everybody else had been there at least the day before, on Saturday. A big chunk of the meeting was dedicated to discussing the things people learnt yesterday and what they're gonna improve on today. I hear the terms "death grip" and "tunnel vision" mentioned amusingly. In general, i felt a bit left out as not much of what was being discussed was relevant to my situation. Hint number one - if you're gonna do one track day only (and why would you do more if it's your fist time and you just wanna get your feet wet) go on a Saturday. Race weekends usually consist of 2 days - Saturday and Sunday. The rest of the meeting the officials talked about various rules and regulation, of which there are a lot, including flags and their meanings. Given that i was gonna have an instructor in the car with me, i did not make too much of an effort to remember everything. Finally, they ask everybody to be extra vigilant and remember we're all beginners here. The day before there'd been 5 incidents, meaning somebody either spun, had body contact with another car, or both. Yikes. The meeting ends with me meeting my instructor and going outside to have a chat, one on one. He asked me about my experience, my motivation and my goals for the day. After that he explained in 15 minutes or less everything i needed to know about racing on a track as well as a few simple notions. Some of it i already knew - racing line, corners, apex, some i didn't - turn-in, track-out, hand gestures, passing etiquette and how the sessions are gonna go. Apparently it takes a lot of focus and concentration to drive here. Also "you have to forget everything you know about driving (on public roads) and learn things anew on the track" he tells me. Some of those things are maximum acceleration on straights, hard breaking before corners, doing all the breaking before entering a corner and counter intuitively accelerating at least constantly through it. The ultimate goal being always driving at the limits of your skill and gradually moving closer to the limits of your car's acceleration, breaking and of course the tires' grip. That was my big AHA moment for the day.

The issue of my car being tunned was sitting in the back of my mind so i decided to discuss it with my teacher. I explained to him what I've done to the car and how i can switch back and forth between the ECU programs. He wisely suggested i reset it to stock mode and mentioned that his track car was a supercharged Mazda Miata with 140hp. That's what i thought.

10:50am. I'm in my car sitting on pre-grid. There's about 25 cars waiting to get on the track. I'm nervous. The instructor joins me. 5 minutes remaining. 3 minutes. 1. Helmets on, windows down. We go in behind the pace car flashing its roof mounted blue lights for the first two laps. These laps are for you to familiarize yourself with the track, the corners, the racing line and to make eye contact with and wave at the flag stations. The instructor has to tell me 3 times to wave to the first flag station before i actually do it. He has his left hand in front of him mimicking what he's saying. Left, right, hard brake, hard throttle. He keeps talking for the duration of the entire two laps telling me a lot of things including what's coming up, corner number, correct speed and track position for it, if i need to break, which direction to turn and how hard, the next correct gear, passing rules, and just general tips and tricks. I pay attention to none of this as I'm overwhelmed by the number of things happening around me. It's the same overwhelming feeling you get when you first start learning to drive except now you're going really fast. I'm also surprised and a bit scared by the sheer strain this track driving business is putting on my car. It's trying to rip it apart, my poor little car. My two new friends - "tunnel vision" and "death grip" were going to accompany me for the entire duration of this session. When the pace car goes in (or is it out?) the teacher starts speaking less, probably so i can focus more, only telling me what's coming ahead, just like a co-pilot in those rally cars. "Ahead you will break hard, turn left, keep it wide". When it's time to actually do it, he mimics it with his hand as well as speaking it out loud. "Ahead, corner 2, hard break, switch to 3rd, turn in, keep wide, constant throttle, slowly bring it in, reach the apex, accelerate, track out". I do exactly as he tells me but found myself struggling with being in the correct gear. Stupidly i had put my car in S, which is still automatic mode, so after selecting a gear with the paddle shifters, if the next corner was far enough, it would go back into automatic and hide the gear number so i did not know which way to shift next - up or down. I felt very out of place thinking "i don't belong on a track with this automatic gearbox". I also remember thinking to myself that this track is way too crowded because a few times some 4 or 5 cars kept passing me all at once. How could that be if i was going a million miles an hour?! As it turns out later from watching a video of myself - i wasn't. I was in fact going embarrassingly slow, even on the straits. In all this frustration, the checkered flag could not come soon enough. After i see it, i do one more lap - the cool off lap when, my instructor tells me, you let your engine and breaks do just that - cool off. Again waving to all the flag stations as we go around then out to the pit lane and into the paddock. First session is over, no incidents! Both me and my car are in one piece.

I'm glad i had my helmet on to mask the look of terror on my face.

I parked my car and was sent off to the "download". This is what they call the debriefing that all drivers must attend after each session. It took only 10 minutes and again people talked mostly about their experience compared to the day before. The things they were discussing were too advanced for me to understand and the only thing i got out of it was a sticker that granted me entrance into the second session. The rest of the downloads were exactly the same that day. After joining back with my friends and describing to them for about 20 minutes all the wonders I've just experienced, all of a sudden i felt very tired. The adrenaline wore off and i did not feel well rested. I wished I had a better night sleep the day before, but then again you can't sleep well when you know you need it. I complained about my automatic gearbox and how it was the source of great frustration for the entire session until my friend metaphorically smacks me over the head and tells me "you should put it in D and push it to the side". DUH! That's the manual mode that does not go back into automatic after a few seconds. I had totally forgotten about it in all this excitement.

My other big realization was that for the entire time i had no idea where i was on the track. I knew the general layout but did not know any of the corners. Hint number two - learn the map of track before getting on it. Close your eyes and visualize yourself going through all the corners remembering their sequence and shape. That's exactly what i did before the second session. Only after you know that, you'll be able to start remembering what the instructor is telling you and not just mindlessly following his commands.

1:30pm. Going to pre-grid. Instructor joins me a few minutes later and asks me among other things: "So, what do you wanna work on this time?". "Umm, NOT crashing" I'm thinking to myself, "this is only my second time on a track ever, what kind of question is that?". Second session starts. No more pace car. Green flag is on the first time you cross the start/finish line. This time around, the gearbox was listening to me, i knew the layout of the track and i was remembering about a third of the corners and their setup. I felt more confident and a bit more relaxed. "Death grip" turned to "comatose grip". I was starting to enjoy it. Did my first overtaking, not out of my own initiative but because the instructor commanded me. It turns out passing is very scary on a track. The car in front usually drives only a couple of miles faster and even tho their supposed to ease off the gas, as it was asked of us the this morning's driver's meeting, it doesn't look like they're doing it. So you have to make a judgement call about your ability to complete the pass, get in front of them, come back onto the racing line and still have time to break enough for the next corner. Some cars just don't want to be overtaken, causing clusters of traffic to form. I start to notice that a lot of cars, both from group 1 and group 2 are all over the place. They don't seem to be doing what I'm doing or rather what my instructor is telling me to do. They keep breaking multiple times and don't follow the same racing line i am. That's curious. For the last few laps i was stuck behind a Porsche that was all over the place. I could not match his speed on the straits so i could not overtake him. And with the encouragement of my teacher i did try a few times. Seems egos were being defended here. My instructor did not seem pleased with all that and later when i enquired as to why so many cars seemed to be doing things differently than us, told me that they, including the Porsche, were just not good. He also told me not to try and be nice to the guys behind me, and that there's a saying in racing for that - "fuck 'em". If they wanna overtake me, let them worry about it, the only thing i need to do is be predictable. There still were too many cars on the track for me to be comfortable with, but this time 20 minutes passed much quicker.

After "download 2" i went to reflect on these new developments. I noticed i started remembering things like where the racing line was, how hard to break and where to turn. Always accelerating through corners became natural all of a sudden. It's what's referred to as "planting the car". As soon as you release the gas pedal the car starts feeling wobbly and eventually will send you into a spin. I also noticed the instructor wanted me to drive just a little too close to other cars for my own comfort. I didn't, but still noticed this about both the first and the  second sessions. In these situation it's best to bag your pride and not worry about what people might think of you.

For the third session, we agreed to do a lead/follow, mainly because i wanted to take my friend for a ride and only one passenger per car is allowed at all times (only in the front seat). The instructor would drive in his car and i would follow him "within a car's length" but "don't crash into me" he said. I was to do what he does, where he does it, not when he does it! I asked about ESP (Electronic Stabilization Program) and he's thoughts on it. His preference seemed to be "ESP off", since he was "old school" and didn't like computers driving his car for him; but i should do whatever i felt comfortable with. As i was about to again do something new, i left it on. One less variable to worry about plus more confidence for me.

4:10pm. Pre-grid for third session. Waiting behind the instructor's car i felt nervous again. There would be no one telling me all the exact instructions at all the exact times, it would effectively be my first time on the track "alone". The instructor did warn my friend not to talk to me once we're out there but we both sort of dismissed it. We spent then next 20 minutes in silence. It does take a lot of concentration and focus to be able to drive on a track. The difference between driving a car on the road and on the track is the same as when you're riding a bike vs driving a car. Requires most of your attention for most of the time. You have to always look ahead and scan your surroundings. I followed my instructor closely, tho not a car's length close, for the first half of this session, we even easily passed 4 or 5 cars at one point. I found that now i remembered more than half of the corners, tho the easy ones i still winged. It was simple to see from my teacher's car if i had to break or not for a corner and what my speed should have be. In the second half, i fell a bit behind even letting  a few cars overtake us. No big deal, i was glad it all went smoothly and the only small thing that happened was a bit of a slide after corner 3 where as soon as you straighten the car from a somewhat long turn you have to enter an opposite corner. I did not enjoy session 3 as much as i did 2, mainly because i was a gain put out of my comfort zone.

My friend's observation was only that i was entering corners too violently, throwing myself at them, and that i should work on doing it smoother.

For the last session, my instructor was not going to tell me anything and only correct me if i was messing something up bad. He would not say anything right away either, only bring it up the next time we got to. This way i would not get distracted by my mistakes and could always focus on what's ahead.

5:30pm. Pre-grid. There's significantly less cars this time around, i guess everybody went home after their long 2 or even 3 days here. There's maybe a dozen of us. We go out for one final time. After the first few laps i lost them all both in front and behind. It was almost as if my complaints from the first sessions have been addressed. The sun was much milder now, the wind - breezier and the track i had almost all to myself. I was driving relatively confident, doing almost all the things i was supposed to be doing. The first big mistake i did was when i forgot to break for corner 3. This messed up my line for corner 4 and needlessly increased the lateral forces on me, the car and the tires while as i was struggling to keep it all together. Right away the teacher told me in a firm voice "you break before corner 3". I guess that was a bad enough screw up that he felt he needed to mention it right away. After that I really enjoyed a few clean laps before an even bigger mistake came. I went carrying way too much speed through the last right hand corners 14 and 15 (both of them forming a hairpin turn) and almost flew off the track because of it, struggling with under-steer than over-steer that resulted in a pretty cool (in retrospect) drift in the end. My left wheels reached the outer edge of the rumble strip with the barrier only a few meters away. When i finally hit the finish strait, the teacher, given that we didn't crash, exclaimed "oh i liked that!" with a big grin on his face that you could see even through his helmet. I was i no mood to celebrate however as "death grip" payed me a visit throughout the duration of this whole shenanigans plus a few more corners after that. The only thing that saved me from going into the barriers, i reckon, was constant acceleration throughout that corner. Well that and a little thing called ESP. The car stayed stable and manageable for this entire ordeal. Next time i entered the same corner i was way too slow. Still, i was racing on the track by myself now, making my own decisions, choosing the racing line, doing my breaking and everything in between. What a long way i had come since that morning. It was amazing! On the final racing lap, i passed a new Mustang GT (the one with a 5 litre V8), the driver of which politely waved me by. And even tho I'd overtaken a few other cars toward the end, this one was the cherry on my cake. And as the sun was hanging a few feet above the horizon, i entered the pit-lane and after a right turn into the paddocks, i was done.

As soon as the helmets came off, the instructor asked me if i had the ESP on. I nodded. "Yeah, i thought so" he said smiling.

Hint number three. Take the time for at least a few laps and drive slower than you normally would. De-construct the corners, learn a few things and don't worry about beating everybody to the finish line. Your skill is the most important part of your car's setup.

At the end of the day, i felt humbled of my skills and my car. I was glad i put my car in stock mode as that most certainly prevented my leaving of the track unintentionally on more that a few occasions. On the other hand i did see where the extra boost could have come in handy, mainly after tricky corners before straight lines and when trying to overtake. My brakes were probably not good enough to handle the extra horses anyway so i still stand by my decision. I also understood that a road car does not even compare to a track car and that horsepower is by far not the most important thing here. Your suspension, breaks and tires are. The cars we drive on the road are jacks of all trades. In the case of my GTI, it's too hard for the road and too soft for the track. You simply cannot have the best of both worlds. Period.

My day ended with no incidents, a lot less width on my break pads and a few less millimetres of thread on my tires. But the most important thing i left with was the understanding of what racing is all about. A road car does not belong on the track but I'm still very proud of how mine did. I still enjoy tremendously my tuned GTI on the road. And it's still a car you can take occasionally to the track w/o basically doing anything to it. That's something in my book. All in all, this track day felt like i was just dropped in the middle of it all with not much intro or hand-holding. That only added to the satisfaction i felt at the end of the day. I was basically able to drive the whole track correctly at speeds of 65mph in some corners and 100mph on straights.

What are morals?

Are moral standards just a self defense mechanism? Are they in place just to keep us from experience bad consequences to our actions? And if so would they be obsolete in a world without those consequences, like a virtual world? Wouldn't acting immoral in a world without penalties erode our morals in a world with those constraints? Ultimately, if something is wrong in one world, does that make it wrong in all the other ones or is it just a localized phenomenon, with localized effects? Would it be ok to kill someone on an isolated island w/ no society or laws? What about in a videogame?

The mighty USofA

I'm an immigrant living in this country for 5 years now. Being a foreigner and coming from one of the poorest countries in Europe, i have the benefit of an outside perspective on a lot of issues that people here don't. Besides obvious paradoxes like punishing poor people for being poor (with higher interest rates), living most of your mature lives in debt (college, car, house), the fact that most prestigious universities are private and not public (therefore excluding all but the rich), lack of separation between state and church, not having universal health-care and eating the worst kind of cancer causing foods - none of these things you would expect from the most developed country in the world - it is amazing to me how people above all, act against their best interest.

I am shocked at the brainwashing that goes on here, the propaganda machine is in full force 24/7. The corporations are the masters, holding the government in their pockets. The political system is completely non-functional, whoever has the most money - makes the laws (but lobbying and campaign contributions), whoever hast the most money - is legally right (by having hoards of lawyers). Everything is an industry - education, health care, food, news, everything. The highest values in this country is the dollar. Nowhere else did society structured itself so perfectly around this golder idol than here.

Still the principles that this country was build upon are strong and true. Perhaps more people need to read the inscription on the Statue of Liberty more often to be reminded what this country is all about. It seems a lot have forgotten.

How i crashed my friend's bike

A few weeks ago i went to visit my friend in Richmond, Virginia. They had a few days of really good weather down there (~60 degrees in January) so we decided to start his Honda VFR800, which he had winterized in his parking lot, under a cover (with winters like that i don't blame him). After all, it's only good practice to start your bike ever so often during winter time.

It had rained that morning so the ground was quite wet. We went out, took the cover off, put the battery in, and after a few attempts at the ignition, it started. At first the sound was a bit off but that's because it wasn't ridden it in a few months.

Minutes later the sound normalized and the Leo Vince underseat dual pipes were singing. My friend hopped on and went for a few laps around the apartment complex. He finally came back noting the tire pressure was quite low. Nonetheless it was my turn now, and seeing his bike for the first time (he just bought it the past fall), i surely wasn't gonna say no. I put on the helmet, and off i go. I twist the throttle a bit - it goes, a twist it some more - it goes faster, nothing surprising there even a bit disappointing coming from my GSXR750. It felt bland but friendly, the upright seating position certainly inspires confidence. I shift to second, third, it's ok but there's not enough road to get the feel of it, so i decide to at least try out the first gear and see what it's got. I'm going about 20mph, i twist the throttle about third to half way in, the bike screams and the back wheel spins out of control sliding to the left, putting the bike at about 40 degree angle to the direction i was going, like so: \-> . It delivered way more torque than i expected! I coulda sworn it felt like it would be stable for up to 3/4 of the throttle if not more. I instinctively release the throttle and the slow motion starts. I fly over the handle bars, landing on my chest and my palms, sliding on the asphalt. A few things go through my mind: "i can't believe this is happening", "my palms are gonna be scrapped off", "i'm so ashamed i'm crashing my friend's bike". As i'm going i look back and see the bike coming at me on it's left side. "damn, it's gonna hit me!" i think so i quickly push myself out of the way. Slow motion stops. I get up and try to asses what happened. I feel myself, everything in its place, i check my palms, they're not bleeding, the wet asphalt saved me some skin. Lucky. There was a 15 feet long scratch on the asphalt and the bike was laying at the end of it. To my surprise it did not hit any cars parked just a feet or two away. Lucky again.

My friend, surprisingly cool about the whole situation, walked over, asked me if i was alright then proceeded to check his bike. We looked at it for a few minutes then proceeded to getting it up. Not so lucky here - it wasn't looking good. There was a puddle of green liquid on the ground under the bike - coolant we figured. The bike did not have frame sliders so almost all its left side was trashed. The mirror and the foot peg were gone, some feet away, the gear lever bent, the handle bar smashed into the gas tank leaving a dent about an inch deep, all the plastic on that side - broken or cracked. It's amazing how fast a perfectly good bike becomes completely trashed. We pushed it back to his parking spot, and went inside. He had insurance - very lucky. We did not know if we had to report it to the police so we called up the insurance company to ask them. They did not know either but said it's better if we did. An hour later a patrol car shows up. We explain the situation and the cop tells us it's better for everybody if he doesn't do anything. He explained that because no one was injured, no property was damaged (besides our own) it makes no sense for him to file the incident. It would go onto my friend's driving record + we would have to pay a fine of about 400$ for failure to operate a vehicle safely or smth like that.

Quite a few factors played into this: the wet road, low tire pressure, unfamiliarity with the bike. Still i feel like a douche. I have been riding for 2 seasons now, first on a suzuki GS500, and currently on a GSXR750. I have also ridden a variety of bikes including ninja 250, honda ST1300, harley sportster 883 and bmw R1200R. I have been quite careful all along, i have taken the BRC as well as the MSF intermediate riding class (and i'm planning on taking the advanced one too). I just got to that point where i was overconfident. In the back of my mind i always knew that's when you get yourself in trouble - that moment when you think you've got it figured out and get cocky.

So be careful everybody, don't overestimate your skills, especially in the beginning and don't be STUPID like i was trying a bike for the first time on a wet slick road. Beware of *the moment* when you get overconfident - can never be too careful! Not while riding ...

now

Happiness is a more natural state of mind. There's no reason to be unhappy. There's no reason to worry. Embrace your life, embrace your surroundings, embrace your place in the world. You are at the right time and at the right place right now. Everything is exactly as it's supposed to be, everything is right. You cannot escape your destiny. The future will be exactly as it's supposed to be, there's nothing you can do about it. That's why you should live more in the present and less in the future. Try to find a good balance between the two. The purpose of life is to be happy.

the one

If you wanna know if she is the one for you, just ask yourself "if i could be with any girl in the world, would it still be her?".

the abyss

I'm walking along the edge of the abyss. And it's getting harder and harder to keep the line. One day, i feel i will get too tired and just step into it ...

funny thing about love

If you think you have it bad whenever someone breaks your heart, just wait utill next time. The intensity of your feelings seem to progress and grow as you get older. Love is like wine in that regard, the older you are the more intense you love. Needless to say, the more pain you also feel when things go wrong. Love is bittersweet. You always think you're getting only the sweet part, until you inevitably get the bitter part as well. And you never know when either of them is coming. I hope this is my last heartbreaking, or di i...

another dream

I was trapped in this woman's mind. I could see through her eyes, hear through her ears, feel what she felt, experience everything she did but without being able to control any of her actions. It was like i was an observer in her head. She was part of a human colony on a remote planet. It was night time. No lights anywhere, all the buildings were empty. Everywhere around her there were dead people. Dismembered bodies and blood all over the place. She was the last person alive. A monster had killed all the other inhabitants and now was after her. The dream starts as she was running from the monster outdoors. It was getting close but she managed to barricade herself in a bunker/hole. It was not too deep, narrow for only one person to fit at a time. It had a semi-circular metal hatch door on top with a small opening for seeing who is on the other side. At the bottom there was a sphere-shaped room, twice as wide as the hole itself. The woman was standing at the bottom, the room was empty with only a lit candle in it. It smelled like fresh dirt and it felt moist. She was scared but calm. As she closed the hatch door behind her when she got in, the monster said "I have all the time in the world, i will wait for you right here", and now was looking down the small opening in the hatch. After a while it started throwing chunks of people into the hole. She kept standing with her back to the wall, it was the only way the chunks wouldn't hit her... A couple of days passed and she died. Alone and afraid. I got to experience the entire thing as if i was her, yet as soon as she died my consciousness got transported into outer space, where i could see the planet, the colony, the hole and the candle, as if to sum it all up, as if to recap the whole story ...

i had a dream last night

I deamt that i was in a infinitely tall pagoda. At the ground floor, inside of it there was a Japanese garden. A dragon was inhabiting the water of the garden. He came out of the water and flew over it. His skin was made of nori (or something looking like nori). I jumped him and riped a big chunk of his skin. It the turned into some type of umbrella-looking parachute and started lifting me to the upper levels of the pagoda. I passed a lot of rooms, each with its own style and decorations. As i was going up i was feeling more and more tranquility. Finally i arrived to the top-most room. I knew it was the last one because i could see the roof above me. There a feeling of enlightenmet struck me. In the room there were all the Gods. Buddha, Jesus, Allah, Odin, Vishnu are the ones i remember seeing. I knew i have reached enlightenment ... weird ...

loved

wouldn't it be nice it somebody would love you no matter what you do and no matter how you are; and you would love them back, forever...

the sunday revelation

i wonder why are we taught to separate ourselves from the world. why do i have to be an individual entity, why do i artificially create this division between the I that i think is me and everything else. i am part of nature, i am part of the world, i am part of the universe. i am all of the above. everything is connected and influences everything else.

i guess the assumption that nothing matters was false all along ...

thinking again

[00:17 29:October:2007]
for each lifetime our souls travel to different planets. astrology is the algorithm by which the next world is chosen. maybe we're not meant to physically go to other worlds, in spaceships. maybe that'll create a paradox, if even possible at all. or perhaps we'll meet our dead friends and family?

[00:47 5:November:2007]
maybe we're no different than any other species on this planet. maybe the our self-awareness is just an illusion and we're just a species that have no purpose more than an animal, or a plant, or anything else for that matter. survive and evolve is all we really can do, all we're meant to do. and there's no meaning to life and purpose to our existence, these are artificial, natural result of our arrogance (thinking we're the most advanced species ever) these questions are just in our heads, an self created illusion.

[19:58 11:November:2007]
Nobody knows who they are, everybody is just going through life trying to make something out of it. And it's unlikely they'll be able to in the end. The few enlightened ones that do, are not going to tell you anything, they can't help you, you have to figure it out for yourself, or fail at figuring it out for yourself. Either way. Myself, i guess i'm just not mature enough to deal with things in this way. I can't stop obsessing about the lack of answers and understanding ... yet

defeat

there comes a day in every man's life when he realizes he won't be able to understand this world, to solve its mysteries, not even to change it as he wills. all he can hope of is that perhaps his children will ...

diversity

There is no one true path, nor one true purpose, not even one true philosophy. Everybody is different and everybody is exactly as they should be. No one should imposes his views and ways onto others, but even these people are exactly as they should be, for without them there would be no diversity. Life is diversity.