there are always two questions: what i want and what i really want. most of the time, the answers to them are different. what i really want? i just stopped and thought about it for a while. It is definitely not the materialistic things society imposes onto me (i’m a minimalist). i think it is not even what i thought myself i wanted till now. in order to answer the second question – what i really want, i have to look deep inside myself and see what lies there hidden from anyone else’s eyes, and even from me most of the time. but first i have to see what are my true fears, what makes me really happy, what fulfils me?
as the producers of neon genesis evangelion say, we humans have a void in our souls, one that we carry since the beginning of our existence. all our lives we try to ignore it, unconsciously trying to fill it with something. nothing is enough however, everything we do is just a temporary solution. the reason for that may be our real nature – we are lonely and always will be. living life in ignorance could be viewed either as a blessing or as a curse. it’s a personal thing. i view it as a curse and i understand that this void will not just go away by itself. living in ignorance is not an option for me, so i ask myself: what do i really want in this life.
i guess i should first think about my mother, how she protected me from this cold world, how she built a wall, how she did everything described in pink floyd’s song – mother. especially how she made part of me this fear of not meeting her expectations, and how this affects my entire life now. it is not like i do it forcefully, i just fear to make her unhappy. i love her of course, and always will, and i think in her understanding she tried her best to educate me the way she thought was right.
so the first answer to the question - what i really want is driven by fear alone – i want to meet all my mother’s expectations. i don’t know if there is any remedy to this, or if it is a bad thing altogether. i guess it’s just something i will have to live with for the rest of my life.
what next, what else i really want? is it to fulfill my dreams? is it to become independent or wealthy or happy? everyone wants to be happy, but what can lead us to it? i used to think that my dreams are the key to my happiness. most of my dreams are just self-made lies, now that i think about them. i try to convince myself that if i will fulfill them i will be happy. but it is not true, as i see now when some of them became reality. what i really want is to fill the emptiness that consumes me. i’ve hidden it so deep inside myself that now i am quite comfortable with its presence, even though i know it's something bad for me. it is the always present tension between opposite forces, homeostasis and transistasis, yin and yang.
i want to find that special girl that i will be able to love. the one that will share herself with me the same way i will share myself with her. that is to forget the loneliness for a while. i want to understand life. i want to know my purpose in this world. i want to know the absolute truth. i want to be the absolute truth. i want to be a warrior. i want to be the best, to have honor, fame, pride. i want to be able to win my battles without fighting. i want to be wise, i want to be recognized, i want people to like me. i don’t want to be alone. or may be i do … i don’t even know anymore.
if i look deep inside myself, my fears drive me entirely, making me want all of these things i didn’t even knew i wanted. there’s always a duality in me. at the surface i want what i want but in the shadows of my mind i am a slave to my fears. everything is there only to satisfy my deepest fears, and in the end to free myself of them, to liberated me. this looks like a path to enlightenment for me right now, if not the only one ...
this bitter man i am ...
now that i revealed my deepest fears before my peers – take down the wall ...
as the producers of neon genesis evangelion say, we humans have a void in our souls, one that we carry since the beginning of our existence. all our lives we try to ignore it, unconsciously trying to fill it with something. nothing is enough however, everything we do is just a temporary solution. the reason for that may be our real nature – we are lonely and always will be. living life in ignorance could be viewed either as a blessing or as a curse. it’s a personal thing. i view it as a curse and i understand that this void will not just go away by itself. living in ignorance is not an option for me, so i ask myself: what do i really want in this life.
i guess i should first think about my mother, how she protected me from this cold world, how she built a wall, how she did everything described in pink floyd’s song – mother. especially how she made part of me this fear of not meeting her expectations, and how this affects my entire life now. it is not like i do it forcefully, i just fear to make her unhappy. i love her of course, and always will, and i think in her understanding she tried her best to educate me the way she thought was right.
so the first answer to the question - what i really want is driven by fear alone – i want to meet all my mother’s expectations. i don’t know if there is any remedy to this, or if it is a bad thing altogether. i guess it’s just something i will have to live with for the rest of my life.
what next, what else i really want? is it to fulfill my dreams? is it to become independent or wealthy or happy? everyone wants to be happy, but what can lead us to it? i used to think that my dreams are the key to my happiness. most of my dreams are just self-made lies, now that i think about them. i try to convince myself that if i will fulfill them i will be happy. but it is not true, as i see now when some of them became reality. what i really want is to fill the emptiness that consumes me. i’ve hidden it so deep inside myself that now i am quite comfortable with its presence, even though i know it's something bad for me. it is the always present tension between opposite forces, homeostasis and transistasis, yin and yang.
i want to find that special girl that i will be able to love. the one that will share herself with me the same way i will share myself with her. that is to forget the loneliness for a while. i want to understand life. i want to know my purpose in this world. i want to know the absolute truth. i want to be the absolute truth. i want to be a warrior. i want to be the best, to have honor, fame, pride. i want to be able to win my battles without fighting. i want to be wise, i want to be recognized, i want people to like me. i don’t want to be alone. or may be i do … i don’t even know anymore.
if i look deep inside myself, my fears drive me entirely, making me want all of these things i didn’t even knew i wanted. there’s always a duality in me. at the surface i want what i want but in the shadows of my mind i am a slave to my fears. everything is there only to satisfy my deepest fears, and in the end to free myself of them, to liberated me. this looks like a path to enlightenment for me right now, if not the only one ...
this bitter man i am ...
now that i revealed my deepest fears before my peers – take down the wall ...
